I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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