I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
