I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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