k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
