He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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