I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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