I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
