I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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