Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
