Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
