fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
