new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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