You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
