No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
