i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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