Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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