he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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