Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
