Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I am available for nakedness
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
