I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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