I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
