I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
