he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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