like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
No more Irish car bombs ever.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
