You don't have asthma, your pregnant
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
