This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
