Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
