My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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