I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
