I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
