make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
