you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
