so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
