Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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