Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
