Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
