Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Randomize
