I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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