It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
