Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
