We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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