i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
