The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
