Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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