saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
