I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Randomize
