Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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