My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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