Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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