Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I could fuck to npr.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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