dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
