I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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