I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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